


Cracky Senshi Sailor Bull

by ScorpioAntares



Series: Crossover Abominations [1]
Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Absurd, Alternate Universe - Crack, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-divergent lack of violence, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Ecchi, Ecchi humour, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Hiatus, On Hiatus, Parody, Sexual Humour, Strong Language, various manga & anime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-13 05:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5696782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorpioAntares/pseuds/ScorpioAntares
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a.k.a. <b>"what could go wrong"</b></p><p>First, there was a fanart. But some ideas just cannot leave your head. </p><p>So I wrote a piece of crack about Sailor Bull. And I hope to carry it on from time to time:</p><hr/><p>Iron Bull tries to make a life as a fourteen-year-old girl in the Moon Kingdom while the Inquisition struggles to save it from the evil Red Queen. He also tries to woo his dearest grumpy senpai from Tevinter. In this crack piece, many things can happen. This is a home of fluff where violence and angst are kept on the cartoonesque level.</p><p>Basic knowledge on popular manga & anime titles and otaku culture would be welcome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introducing Chibbi - 'Oh my! We will own the Hinterlands!'

**Author's Note:**

> The first piece is just a trial before I decide if I should carry this on.
> 
> I am not sorry.

Oushi Tetsuno[1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/new#sdfootnote1sym), tenderly called "Chibi" by his friends, woke up to the second-in-command of his dragon fiction fan club sharpening little claws on Oushi's face. Krem-chan was unbearable in his cat form, but Chibi had a soft spot for cats.

"Wake up, Chief, you're be late for your meeting with Josie-neesan. Again."

"Just five minutes...", Oushi snored. Krem-chan sat on his face in a feline manner.

"Do I have to remind you that you are posing as a fourteen-year-old girl in this universe? You will need more than pulling up your pants to keep that appearance. Get proper underwear, learn to wear stockings and minnies or something."

"Why can't I go without pants?", Little Bull whined.

"Because it's Tuesday?", the cat asked.

"Okay, okaaay", Oushi cried out and stood up from the bed, and rubbed the daily portion of horn wax in his head. Living as a teenage girl in the Moon Kingdom wasn't easy. The world was T-rated and he had no nipples, not to mention other appendages. He was forced to wear a blonde wig with wavy bangs and a fringe. Still, he wouldn't be allowed to go without pants. How was he supposed to win Dori-hakase's attention?

At the time, Oushi was a student at the Peaceful Order of Demon Fighters Academy at Skyhold, learning to deal with demons sent by the evil Red Queen to tear the peaceful Moon Kingdom apart with rifts in the sky and taking all the fluff away. At least that was what they explained during the first lesson. Chibi Bull got assigned to the super elite guardian class of classy demon fighters. The organisation was still young and Bull's class held only three more students so far: the first one was a hot-headed templar Cassandra who wore heavy armour with little hearts engraved everywhere, and loved really bad smut. There was also a haughty, broody, grumpy, know-it-all self-taught elven apostate who wore awful blue wigs to conceal that he was completely bald, even though everybody knew. Then, there was the Inquisitor, a clueless elven eight-grader with potentially unlimited powers but no worthy teacher or brains to embrace them. Outside the class, Chibi led a small dragon fiction adoration fanclub, with shapeshifting cat Krem as his best dude and club's most talented fan artist.

And there was Dori-hakase. _Dooooriii_. The young and handsome slender mage from the North who was said to be just an administrative worker of lady Josephine, but in fact taught Skyhold mages basics of... magic, as far as Chibi understood. Perfect legs and ass, always in daring black pants, and from the number of buckles and metal studs one could immediately tell that he liked heavy metal. Even though he kept short hair and that weird twisted mustache. Maybe it was some kind of new alternative heavy metal. Those Vints had awkward taste in everything.

Oushi stomped through Skyhold's courtyard cheerfully on his way to castle's main hall where most lessons were held. As he crossed the wide doorway, he felt a blush strike his cheeks. A slim, sexy figure in black swept before his eyes.

"Dori-chan...", Little Bull faltered. The figure in black only snapped with contempt and disappeared in the depths of the library wing.

"He will never notice you, don't bother", a smug voice from behind called. It was Solas, wearing an ugly sapphire-coloured wig, like usually. Solas had always thought that he was an awesome bishounen. But he wasn't. Dori-chan was the hottest bishie in the entire Inquisition and Chibi would beat the crap out of everybody who thought otherwise.

Josephine-neesan strolled in the middle of the main hall where an enormous blackboard was hanging, waiting for the super agent class to sit down by their desks.

"Today I would like to introduce a new member of your squad who has just arrived from Kirkwall", Josephine said with her strong Antivian accent. "As his official motivational letter reads, he is the author of all the romance novels rated five scarves by the _Randy Dowager Quarterly_ within the last ten years, as well as other novels, except for _Hard in Hightown II_. Worshipped in the Free Marches as a celebrity, with the professional nickname Sailor V and is own brand of perfume."

"What's up", a dark blonde dwarf in sunglasses and gaping shirt greeted his classmates, holding an enormous crossbow.

"Varric? You are Sailor V? That hot stereotypically blonde superstar who's the current teenage role model?", Cassandra-chan asked with eyes as large as sovereigns.  
"Leave these jokes for yourself, Seeker", the dwarf hissed. "I'm a writer. I'm above it. Bianca's my blonde superstar. Right, sweetheart?", Varric's crossbow glimmered, twisted, and assumed humanoid shape. Now the place next to Varric was taken by another dark-blonde dwarf in gaping shirt, though this one had a decent rack at least.

"No fancy transformation? No soul resonance? Not even a _shikai_? That's totally lame, Varric", Oushii cried out with disappointment. "How are we supposed to defeat the Red Queen without manical heroes and badass transformations?"

"You know that only the templars can carry legit soul slayers!", Varric winked.

"Heyy! That rule wasn't there yesterday!"

"You're damn right. Because I just wrote it down", the dwarf grinned.

"Is somebody even in control of that shit? I mean, seriously. Somebody's taking a piss out of us", Oushi rolled his eyes. "Who's your girlfriend then if she's not a legit soul slayer?"

"Shhhhhh...", Varric the dwarf teased.

"Settle down, class!", Josie-neesan clapped her hands. "You will have plenty of time for a chit-chat during your next mission. What do you prefer: luxurious halls of Val-Royeaux with ice cream, 9:40 summer collection discounts and the possibility of two next elite fighters joining us, or Redcliffe stuffed with dangerous rebel mages fighting dangerous rebel templars and demons of the Red Queen, bringing certain death of innumerable civilians if we put our foot in it?"

"Val Royeaux!", they called out almost in unison.

"I dunno, I'd go to the Hinterlands", the Inquisitor murmured with her legs on the desk as she played with fiery red hair. "They might know something about closing that breach, right?"

"Well I've got bad news for most of you because Leliana will kill me if we don't investigate Redcliffe as soon as possible. She probably wants to sweep the best discounts herself while you have no chance to catch up, but as Cullen likes to say: chores are the new kind of fun... or something like this. I don't get him, frankly", Josie scratched her head. "Oh, by the way, Dorian-hakase detected strange distortion in the spacetime continuum, so Redcliffe might be... really funny", she giggled nervously.

"Meeeh", Chibi Bull grunted. "Are there dragons at least?"

"Possibly."

"YEEEAHHHH!", Chibi Bull jumped up with his fists in the air, almost destroying his desk. Josie-neesan sighed and facepalmed.

"We're gonna own these Hinterlands!"

 

* * *

[1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/new#sdfootnote1anc) "Iron Bull" converted into a Japanese name, following the pattern from the original _Sailor Moon_.


	2. Friends or foes? Mysterious strangers in the Hinterlands!

The first reconaissance in the Hinterlands. Bull was marching with a cheerful, bouncy walk, with his favourite nug-shaped backpack and Krem clinging to the horns, ruffling the fur on his back.

"Slow down! You'll throw me off!", Krem whined.

"Change into your human form, then!", Bull replied. "What a pussy", he sighed under his breath, and he regretted as soon as he was needled with cat's sharp claws. "Gaaaaah! And people keep asking why I'm a scarface!", Chibbi called out. "Okay, okay, I'll carry you. I just don't understand why you don't show your human form."

"For suspense, obviously! Also, this way I can steal more information for the Inquisition, right? Nobody minds my eavesdropping. I can nap nearly wherever I want. Dori-chan scratches me under the chin sometimes. It's a nice life."

"I wish I could be scratched like that...", Chibbi sighed.

"I could give you details about Dori-chan too if you fed me better. Or maybe I shouldn't? Don't want you to become a dirty stalker or anything like that", Krem thought out loud to mess with his chief.

On the way ahead, Solas bragged about his abilities to detect disturbances in the Veil, and how the Hinterlands were all messed up and needed some relics placed here and there to strengthen the fluff dimension of reality. As far as Bull understood, any everyday item could be loaded with magic to become such a relic as long as it was overloaded with cuteness. Thus, Leliana-neesa ordered the scouts to collect the most girlish oddities from around Thedas. Dori-chan even made them little trinkets to measure the level of kawaii vibes in the area, so they could detect the sweetest collectibles. Speaking of which, Bull's cuteness detector was tingling.

"My cuteness detector...", Bull turned in a circle a few times and pointed his finger at a little house by the lake, "Right there! There's something ultra sweet there!" They rushed forward to a little wooden house by the lake. The patches of grass nearby were sprinkled by tiny wild flowers.

"There is a source of fluff, doubtlessly", Solas mumbled.

The crew knocked at the door and heard a grunt inside. A middle-aged, daddy-looking guy opened. He had a thick beard intertwined with colourful bows and held a half-finished plush lion toy in his hand.

"We are the Inquisition, pretty guardians of love and fluff! Our devices detected an excess of cuteness in your household. Would you like to explain it before we chain you and drag to Skyhold for aggressive interrogation?", Cassandra asked.

"I'm just a poor cursed man. I went to Redcliffe to resupply one day and they sold me that armour, allegedly made of rare resources. As soon as I wore it, it turned dawnstone pink. Now my beard regrows with all these bows no matter what I do, and I can't stop sewing plush animals. Can you help me get the rid of this curse?", the man asked.

Solas squint his eyes and started walking in circles. "A curse? Inflicted through an apparently fluff-overloaded item? Would it mean that the distortion in the quantum-level structure of fluff vibes makes some places attract angst and demons opening Red Queen's misery rifts, and overloads others with fluff... naturally? But what happens to the subtle cuteness geometry of the realm? Is it the world itself trying to restore the balance, overcompensating the fluff in selected areas? Can this be connected with angst rifts and time disrup- "

"I have no idea what you're talking about", the guy interrupted.

"Neither do we", the crew replied in unison, shaking their heads.

"Shit. I knew we should have taken Dorian. He's fairly capable of science nerd disputes, at least", Solas pouted.

"You mentioned something about the armour?", Cassandra asked. "Maybe we should take a look at it?"

"I'm not undressin' here in your presence, perverts", the man grunted.

"Chill, don't know what was on your mind but we wouldn't get explicit no matter what we did", Bull rolled his eyes. "Unless you're ashamed of Barbie anatomy... which is fine. I'd be ashamed too."

"Why do you keep whining at Barbie anatomy all the time? Get over it at last! We have more urgent tasks than your inferiority complex!", Cassandra scolded. Bull gave her the evil eye.

"Well, we can use this guy until we figure out this curse? He'll make plushies for us. We'll find out what's wrong with him. Everybody wins", the Inquisitor shrugged.

"I agree", Chibbi said.

"But apparently we must be careful in applying fluff to the world, at least until we discover the source of this man's compulsion", Solas gesticulated.

"My name is Blackwall, if anybody cares."

"Welcome onboard, Blackwall!", the Inquisitor gave him a pat on the shoulder. "We'll send out agents to transport all these toys to Skyhold. For science and fluff. Meanwhile, grab your weapon and come with us."

"I used to have a normal sword, but it turned into this", Blackwall showed them a rainbow coloured enchanted sword emanating bright butterfly spectra.

"It looks so shiny that it must have a huge bonus against angst demons", the Inquisitor said. "That's great news!"

"I think we should head to Redcliffe to investigate these strange phenomena", Cassandra suggested.

And they moved on to Redcliffe. Cassandra was way too excited about the next _Swords and Shields_ and whether Kirkwall Sailor V was finally going to know Mysterious Orlesio Mask's identity in the next chapter of _Freemarcher Manga Quarterly_. Solas was pulling Blackwall's beard to see if he could separate the decorative bows from his facial hair. He gave up the third time he had to dodge a blow with a shield. Chibbi caught up on Blackwall and whispered to him:

"Tssst, Blackwall? Do you sew waifu pillows too?"

"Anything to make a living with that blasted affliction", the new guy shrugged.

"We'll talk in Skyhold."

About halfway through the crew spotted an unusual angst rift, with some demons half-materialised, some of them moving at a snail's pace. Chibbi poked one of the demons with his finger, no reaction.

"What a great research subject! Let's try what Blackwall's sword can do to them", Solas suggested.

"It has a bunny stamp on the handle. You think it has any use?", Blackwall poked the demons gently with the bunny stamp on his sword's handle. The demons shone with a bright glittering light and disappeared.

"Well, that doesn't look like the usual brutal killing, and that's something", Solas rubbed his cleft chin.

"Can it be a legit soul slayer? But how? You're sure this weapon can't morph? Has it ever tried to tell you its name?", Chibbi showered Blackwall with questions.

"Ehhh... I've always thought it's just a sword, man."

The Inquisitor used her Mark to close the rift, no reaction. No reaction for over half an hour. Solas had already pulled a chuck wagon out of his huge backpack and invited everybody to lunch and herbal tea break.

"Maybe the rift itself is slowed down too?", the elf finally asked, having almost finished his third sandwich.

"Dunno, but I'm getting bored and tired of holding my arm in the air for nothing", the Inquisitor replied. Let's move on."

Leaving the strange rift be, they finally reached the village of Redcliffe. The civillians were running away and screaming in panic: Evacuate the area! Demons have infested the Chantry! The crew looked at each other's faces and rushed to clean the Chantry of demons. When they reached a building on the top of the hills, a weird human-like apparition flashed in front of their eyes.

He was standing on the top of the Chantry building – wearing an Orlesian mask and a tuxedo, with a long cape fluttering lively on a windless day, by virtue of magical forces alone. He held a lute in his hands, playing a quick salsa tune and spinning around to the rhythm. He spoke to them with a sweet caramel voice (which sounded a bit too queer, to be honest, but that didn't bother Chibbi at all):

"Ah, it's you, Sailor Bull! I have infiltrated the building, and unfortunately it is swarmed with demons. But fear not!", he played on his lute. "Demons are but mortal souls deprived of their fluff by the Red Queen and her minions. Therefore, heroes like you must fight to bring the fluff back to this wretched world. I'm counting on you, Sailor Bull, and the rest of the good Inquisition!", he stroke the lute strings forcefully, jumped down from the rooftop and opened the Chantry door with a dramatic spin. The crew followed him in confusion. Within seconds, Orlesio Mask pacified the Chantry, stabbing each demon with a blushing red rose, making them glitter and disappear just like Blackwall's weapon. When the work was ready, he rubbed his exquisite mustache underneath the mask, smiled... and vanished.

"Mysterious Orlesio Mask! So he's real!", Cassandra fluttered her eyelashes and squeaked girlishly.

"I swear I've seen this 'stache somewhere, but I can't recall... those damn superheroes, put a hoodie on them and they're unrecognisable, let alone the masks", Sailor Bull grunted under his breath. All that mattered for now, Orlesio Mask really was hot and mysterious.

"I didn't manage to ask him about any details of metaphysical fluff distribution", Solas whined. "It could save me two years of research..."

"We must investigate Blackwall's armour case and report all of this to Skyhold", the Inquisitor scratched her red head.

**Author's Note:**

> I am DEFINITELY not sorry.


End file.
